Ah….just took care of Little Jodi again – I’m so glad I’m getting good at this Self-Therapy gig I’ve got going! In leaving my safe, yet unfilling, job last year, I recently had to obtain health insurance on my own. I can see why people make the choice to stay in a job that no longer brings them joy because they want health coverage. For me, my decision fell in the direction of daily happiness and knowing that I was meant to do more at this stage in life.
I experienced a step off of my path to Oz into the dark forest with a quick look from my dermatologist to her assistant this week. The doc wanted to biopsy a few spots so I replied that my coverage had changed. She stopped, locked eyes with her assistant. Seeing that, my heart immediately detached from its string and fell, banging off my tin ribs, empty belly, off my shiny pelvis and down my rod iron legs into my right tin boot.
My heart screamed along its way down, “Oh no! What have I done? What if <my husband> has melanoma again? How has my choice hurt my family? Me? Who is going to take care of me? I’m all alone and it’s all my fault!” Tears came to my eyes and my eyelids turned to tin so they wouldn’t close and betray me. No tears would be seen by anyone. I tuned into the doctor’s voice already in response to me.
“….save this for another six weeks and you can see what you’ll have to pay for the biopsies and let us know what you want to do then.” I nodded silently and when they awkwardly departed, I dressed as quickly as possible and hobbled out of there.
Once in the privacy of my car, I let the tears fall and felt my heart make its way back up into my chest. I became aware that this heart was not 55 years old, but only 8 or 9! It was Little Jodi. She was sad and scared, feeling alone and shameful, selfish and confused. Acknowledging that she was the person feeling and expressing all of these emotions, I gently spoke to her explaining that everything will be okay and that the Universe is always taking care of us. I now have a skill set that can handle this adjustment with just a bit of oil from the oil can and she would be taken care of. My outer shell of tin disappeared and I was mobile, flexible and ready for my next steps of the day.
As I rode home, I reflected on Grownup Jodi’s old ways. An old choice I would’ve made was to go home, crawl into bed, feel sad, mad, resentful,…. You name it… because that was comfortable, normal and familiar. I understood that was a coping mechanism that protected me from further negativity, but that I had an entire tool belt full of tools to use now.
I pulled in my driveway, went straight to my gardening gear and worked out in the yard for the afternoon. Moving the leaves, earth, stones and plants allowed me to get out of my head, into my body and feel gratitude for all things in my life. I was so happy that I was able to see the light at the edge of the dark forest and quickly find my feet upon my yellow brick road again.